life is wonderful.

I have fallen in love with reading again. In five days, I read two out of the four books in the Twilight series and four plays.


And I have never felt happier and more fulfilled in my life.

You're a young woman cast aside
Ostracized
Left on the sidewalk of my lonely life

For the young lovers
Taking the hill
One plants a flag
While the other is killed
When the wine pours
We raise our cups
Young love is sacrifice
Young love is tough
Young love is innocent
Young love is us

What did I get into
Now everything is untrue
Oh, your eyes tell the lies
Of the lines that you said
And now that I love you
Oh, I wish we'd never met
Why wait?
Woman I'm taking risks here
That no one dared
And you're scared
Scared of the bottom
Afraid of the stairs


I loathe the fact that girls mature faster than boys. At least now I know not to jump into things so quickly just because it "seems" like the right thing to do. Hey he's cute, he plays guitar, he kissed me, LET'S GET TOGETHER! One of the many lessons. When I read Lesley's poem I thought: yes. I feel like I'm feeling it all so he doesn't feel anything. The weight of this burden can sometimes be so heavy I feel like I'm carrying it for two. Because I allow myself to feel, I let it escape me so I don't have baggage the rest of my life. And yes it may take the entire summer to let it all out, but at least it's escaping me. Slowly but surely. And the day when it all hits him at once, he will be more overwhelmed than he can imagine.

I wonder what he thinks about at night before he goes to sleep. Those nights when he isn't drunk. In that time of night where you're about to fall asleep and you think about how you really feel, because the intimacy and secrecy of the night allows you to. You feel safe and alone, in the dark, hiding in the cocoon of your sheets. I shouldn't really care, and part of me doesn't, honestly. But my curiosity from time to time will take me to this place of wonder. I wonder if he has enough power to completely deceive himself from what's true. Some people do. They can filter their reality and make themselves believe wholeheartedly in something that is designed to escape the truth. I hate that I'm still in a place where I wish bad things on him. No, he shouldn't be good at what he does. No, he should not have a lead in a show. No, he should not be a lead opposite the girl of his dreams that he could never have and instead "settled" for me. Although I am confident in the fact that I am three times the woman that Rachel Patterson is, I know in his mind he feels he didn't fight hard enough for her and took me instead. That's his problem. He couldn't see me for the person I really am. I've worked at American Eagle for only two months now, and one of the guys I work with, Brandon, told me that I was the perfect girl and that he would kill for a chance with me. And when I turned him down because of the current state I'm in, he said he would wait until I felt ready. Yes, straight men like that exist. He tells me that every time I smile, he feels happier. I had no idea I had that effect on anyone. It's such a shame that I'm moving back to Orlando in a month and a half, or else I would give him that chance. In less than two months, he was able to see me in a way that Kyle couldn't in six months. I feel like I needed to be exposed to someone like Brandon to fully realize how much of a selfish, immature, coward Kyle really is. And I really feel it. I went back to the pictures of him and Rachel all over each other from the beginning of the summer and it didn't hurt anymore. I chuckled. All I could see was the cowardice, the selfishness, the recklessness, all over his face. And I saw STDs all over her face... but that's not the point.

We were not on the same level. We are not on the same level. We will not be on the same level.

I thought I needed closure, you know. Because that's protocol for when relationships end. You need to have that "talk" that ensures finality. The one that embraces what you once had together, where you get to the root of what went wrong, apologize, and move on. I thought that was the one thing that kept holding me back: the absence of that finality. But I realized recently that I have it all figured out. I have it figured out better than he does, so why should I subject myself to a conversation with a person who is completely unaware of why he hurt me and is so far from apologetic. For once, I don't need to hear it from his mouth to make it real, to confirm my theories or my speculation. Those things have brought me peace, so let it be.

This experience has hurt worse than anything I've gone through (obviously I'm only nineteen so I'm sure I'll see worse in the coming years). But, coming out of it, I feel like I can take on anything. I really do. I am so confident in who I am and what I want. I feel like no one can stop me now.

Friends only. Comment.